idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
