i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
