Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
