i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
