I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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