Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I stole a fireplace last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
