i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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