Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
