I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
