I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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