he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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