Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
