She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
