My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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