I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
