Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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