I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
