The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
