I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
