Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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