so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Even my vagina gasped.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
