After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
