The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
