i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
