first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
