Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
