I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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