Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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