He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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