I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
