does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
