Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
