it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
