More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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