Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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