After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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