she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
