She said her name was "party"
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
