My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
is wine microwaveable?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
