i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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