smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
