Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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