Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
