Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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