I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
