i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
