I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
