Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
