I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
