i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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