she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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