I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
